I wrote this essay for my humor writing class more than a year ago at this point. A re-reading from yours truly has informed myself that it could use some re-writing. C’est la vie. I am going to leave it as is and perhaps future me will edit it at a future time.
How do you know if you’re in love? You don’t. You can’t really know. It isn’t really an equation that you can write on a chalkboard for a smart person to answer. Only fools fall in love anyways. It takes some faith, some acceptance, some denial and choosing your own adventure, in tandem. Look up the Guinness World Record for the largest amount of people on a tandem bike. If you thought tandem only meant two, jokes on you. Still, it is easier to ride a bike with 52 people on it, than it is to navigate a romantic multiplicitous 52 person love “triangle”. In fact, I just googled it and in reality a 52 person love shape would be a pentacontadigon… sounds hot. I prefer monogamy myself. (Keep in mind that my girlfriend is one of my editors.) I fully support those people that are knee deep into polyamory in our universe, but perhaps polyamory in the multiverse would be easier? Can’t be much harder.
Regardless of your Earthly romantic tastes, soon enough, future you and I will be able to travel to various parallel universes. Meander amorously through the multiverse. Someone will come up with a unification theory for classical physics, quantum mechanics, and string theory and open a Pandora’s Box of trans-universal tourism. You will put on actual reality goggles, or take a wormhole taxi-cab, and BAM! Welcome to your parallel universe vacation! My query is a moral one. If one is in a committed relationship back home, is it really cheating if one sleeps with other people in another universe? Or is that just part of the travel package? Inter-dimensional love affair does have a nice ring to it. If you’re old fashioned and your special person exists in this hypothetical, parallel universe would you seek them out, or would you roll the dice? Personally, I would seek out my person and ask them out to coffee and see how it goes. Hopefully this version of my parallel partner could stay awake through a whole feature film.
If you do take a trip to a parallel paradise, and indulge in some inter-dimensional fornication, does your primary lover back home get a hall pass? In my opinion, that is only fair. You can’t have your cosmic cake and eat it too. Morality still applies in the multiverse. Until they come up with an all-inclusive VIP Love Polyverse Package, of course.
When I showed my partner this essay, she said: “If you travel to a parallel universe, you better keep it in your pants.” She told me I couldn’t even sleep with her if I find her avatar-self in the multiverse! So, my traveling friends, if you find yourself in a parallel universe, maybe it is best to keep it simple, and listen to my partner’s advice; keep your pants on. Unless you can afford the all-inclusive VIP Love Polyverse Package, then all bets – and pants – are off.
The End: Hopefully this is at least entertaining, if far from enlightening.
Daydreams of Paradise 